I lay beside him listening to his whimpering cry, wiping the tears gently away from his cheeks as they fall.

"Oh sweetie what can I do?" I ask, feeling my heart rip to pieces with helplessness as I know there isn't much I can--do.

"Do you want a bath?"

He shakes his head almost immediately.

Some nights he says yes almost as fast, but I can tell tonight won't be one of those
nights because he is fighting it.

Christ he is strong!

Stronger than me. It's almost 4 am and I struggle, wanting to take him in my arms, just hold him close. But he doesn't let me hug him or kiss him better. That's his asperegers.

He continues to cry...

Shit!

Why him?

Why does he have to suffer like this?

I am angry inside now. He didn't play long today. Today was mild compared to others when he runs knowing he will take consequences for it later.

He doesn't care because some days are just worth it- you know?

Trace is nearly four now and one might think he is suffering as many kids do with--growing pains.

But that is not the case.

He has mild cerebral palsy and each night, nearly every night he cries because the pain in his legs hurts him so bad.

It has been going on since he was almost two, this leg pain. His tolerance for it amazes me.

Tonight is bad though and the crying as he says... "it hurts, mommy." is almost enough to undo me completely.

"Shhhhh my boy it is okay..." I tell him though inside my vocabulary is colorfully tainted, no angels ears should listen or be burned.

I want to protect him...

I want to make his suffering stop...

I want to tell him it will get better...

But I can't.

The storm has just started and he is in for more hurt as time goes on. There is nothing I can do to change that.

I just hope I have the strength to endure it and that I, too, can show the same courage as he does.

You are brave my darling and you are a fighter.

I am proud and I know it won't be easy but these challenges... these hurdles you will survive...and mommy will be there every step of the way.

Just remember no matter what anyone tells you--when you jump--you can fly!







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