It's Random Tuesday and I'm sharing again.  I was heading to a friends house to watch the Olympic torch relay running through Abbey. We got out of the car. Instantly I felt dizzy. I mean extremely dizzy and had to sit down because I felt like I was going to hurl (bad)!

This wasn't the first time I had felt this way. In fact I had - had quite a few dizzy spells in the past three months where I felt ill and everything started spinning around me like when I was in my twenties and drank too much at the bar.

This was just the first time it felt this bad. Like something was really and truly wrong and it scared me.

We headed to the rotary stadium for the celebration of athletes as the Olympic torch was being run in by Gerry Swan, hero of Abbotsford. The kids were all excited as we had up front seats right on the line to watch. Gamer was supposed to meet his teammates there from the Bulldogs, Abbotsford hockey but only a few came. Other athletes were there though so it was all good.

Watching the torch come in and sharing that with the boys and FD was a lot of fun and a once in a lifetime experience. The boys has a blast.  They were excited having their pics taken with the Olympic mascots and I tried hard to have a good time.



I was moody though. I felt off and I just wanted to go home, although I tried having fun. By the time we got home I was exhausted. I asked DH to bring down the bed so the boys and I could camp out. Mommy wanted some snuggles. It's one of my most favorite things to do.

I was asleep.

Something was wrong.

I couldn't move my arms.

I had pins and needles everywhere.

This was it and I knew it!

I got up and went to the bathroom and immediately called for Gamer to get daddy. FD came down and just as he turned the corner to the bathroom. I stared up at him and I said "this is it!" and I violently threw up all over the floor in front of him. Gamer called 911.

I was having a heart attack!

The ambulance came and rushed me in to the hospital where I spent the next four hours being monitored on a heart machines and had four EKG's done along with blood work.

It wasn't a heart attack. It was a pre-heart attack. A warning so to speak to tell me to get off my fat ass, take control of my life, quit smoking and eating shit that should never enter my mouth. To do something about my life! Because I have my kids and my husband and I want to be here.

It was a wake up call!

The doctor came in and explained on the EKG they discovered I had prolonged QT interval which basically means there is gap to how my heart is functioning and firing when I breath.

Is it dangerous?

Yes.

I am going to see a cardiologist where they will give me a holster monitor and run other heart tests to determine whether my anti-depressant is what caused it or whether or not I was born with it like the doctor thinks.

However he is taking me off my Celexa, weaning me. I normally take 40mg and have been asked to cut it in half and then again in half over a period of twenty days until further testing can be done.

So there I am sitting in the hospital bed, an iv sticking out of me when the doctor says: This is serious. You need to not get excited about stuff. Don't get anxious and keep your anxiety levels low. Don't do strenuous physical exercise or worry too much about things or get overly emotional because all of things can be triggers for the heart.

Ummmmmm WTF? Hello jack ass I am on medication for bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, and I have both a husband and son with special needs I look after. Stress and Anxiety are an everyday part of my life. How the hell am I supposed to become Zen all of sudden?

Anyhow that is where I am sitting right now. I feel like shit. I feel like I can't breath. I'm scared shitless I won't wake up when I go to sleep. I'm terrified to leave my kids alone and be without them. You name it I'm feeling the emotion.

I have lost 21lbs since January. I quit smoking yesterday, taking only a few puffs here and there and even that is disgusting to me. A big change since I usually suck back 25-30 nic sticks a day. I know I'm bad.

But I'm going to be better.

I'm going to change things.

I'm going to eat better.

Now I just have to get past being scared all the time.