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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

the many faces of me

Often my husband accuses me of putting other people first, before myself. I don't think of myself that way. I love the people in my life, and caring for them, doing for them, sharing with them is something that is as much a part of myself as the stubborn traits I was born with. It cannot be helped.

However, I decided to take a real look at myself. A close look at what makes Jodi Patrice Shaw who she really is. I don't consider myself complex (by any means) and I have been labeled a guys girl, meaning I am not a typical woman. Instead I see the other side (male life) being what it is and accept the male species for what they are, every beautiful sport watching, car crazy, logical thinking, tits and ass luvin part of them.

I on the other hand also do know myself, compared to many of my friends who struggle for some guidance in this area.

I have my girlie moments. I shed tears over everything and nothing and accept this as an insane part of my being. I am a control freak when it comes to the kids, and worry that every illness will turn out to be something terminal. I fly off the handle on a whim, depending on which side of the hormonal bed I woke up on and whether or not I'm in a premenstrual mood. I get angry for things that make my husband cringe. I do insanely funny things that make him bust a gut and report me to the men in the white coats.

I guess you could say there are many faces to me. I am not I suppose as plain jane as I reckon myself to be.

The Inner Kid in Me

I have days where nothing matters. Not that I don't care, but just days when I feel like instead of being a parent, I too want to be an eight year old kid and run around sticking out my tongue and saying to hell with the worries and stress. I mean who doesn't like being a kid?

Face of worry

I worry a lot about things in life. I often bite my lip and furrow my brown letting hubby know exactly what is bothering me, which is annoying. I worry about the kids, them eating right, if they are happy and content in this life I've been chosen to watch for them. I worry about money (who doesn't) and my parents leaving this earth and me. I worry about my husband and my friends and whether everyone is truly happy in what they are doing. Funny thing: I have normal blood pressure, where according to my doctor I should be dead.

Face of surprise

I am always surprised. Each day I learn new things, I really do. I don't know everything which I think is a magical gift in this world, to be able to learn something new and exciting each day I breathe. My kids always surprise me with the things they do or say, new things they learn. Hubby, too surprises me with the love he gives. Just when I think to put him in the same category as most men on the planet, he proves me wrong by doing something sweet like making me a hot cocoa when I am not well, or running me a bubble bath. Surprises are the icing on the cake of life I think. For me I like mine double iced and layered thick.

Face of sadness

As I told you I am no stranger to tears. I cry over everything, in fact I invented don't cry over spilt milk because I cry over that too. It's one of the many horrible inflictions I suffer with chemical depression, to which my medication doesn't always cure. I feel things deeply. Though I do not hate myself for crying. I embrace the salty overflow of emotional wonder that escapes me daily because it's cleansing and helps me recharge myself emotionally, instead of holding it all in and blowing up like a time-bomb. Crying is good for the soul, shedding the crap I carry frequently. Hubby's only complaint is the expense he puts out in tissues.

Face of Anger

ANGER BALL, my favorite saying when I am about to go postal on someones ass. Not much gets me angry quickly, which I think is due mainly to the fact I'm getting older and just don't have the energy to waste on other peoples stupidity.

I cannot stand being told to shut up, or told what to do or how to live. I am a firm believer that everyone on this earth has a right to THINK what THINK, BELIEVE what they BELIEVE and to FEEL what FEEL. Who am I to say different?

I won't bite off your head if you leave your shoes lying on the floor, or your coat not hung up, and I don't care if dishes are on my counter. I am a glass grabber, which means I am guilty of grabbing 43 glasses a day to drink from. My biggest pet peeve though are people who cannot drive, or should not be driving. Don't get me started, that's when you will hear MISS POTTY MOUTH.

Face of Shyness

For someone as forth right as myself, hubby is often surprised by the fact I still get shy. I am the first person to tell a rude joke and my nickname is sassy because I often do not care what comes flying out of my mouth when it comes to crudeness. But if you whisper dirty talk in my ear you will see me change three shades red, and if you talk about me in a good way, give me a compliment about my writing, about me as a mother or wife, I will shy away. Positive self talk is still something at 35 years old I'm working on. I have a lot to learn.

Face of Playfulness

Okay I am going to admit I owned Walt Disney movies before my kids were born. I love to blow bubbles and catch them before they hit the ground. I still love going on the teeter totter, and swinging from the rope at the park. I make snow angels and build snowmen, adding a cap and carrot and buttons for the eyes.

I love the feel of sand between my toes, grass beneath my feet, and still collect rocks I find pretty at the beach. I have an air hockey, ping pong table in my dining room, and a box full of video games and consider my boys to be two of my best friends. What can I say... except I don't want to grow up I want to be a toysrus kid FOREVER.

Happiness with Color

Overall I think hubby is right. I do put other people before myself. That's because I'm happy. Why wouldn't I be. I am a write, mother, wife. The three best jobs in the world, and worth every ounce of hardship that may stone the path I walk to enjoy those duties. I love life. I love the people in my life. But most of all I love myself. I didn't always, and it took a long time to embrace my womanhood, everything I am, all I have to give and to receive from this great big world we live in.

I guess I just figure there are many more things in this life that could be worse. Like waking up each day and forgetting the day before like hubby does. Now that would be torture. I may not enjoy each of the memories I have that led me to be the many faces of who I am. But without those memories I wouldn't be able to enjoy life, what got me here, or the people I've been blessed with along the way.

How many faces do you have? I bet you have more than you realize? Look in the mirror sometime. You might be surprised by what you see. I know I was.


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