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Monday, August 31, 2009

news flash munday: luongo to sign contract with canucks finally!

It's News Flash Monday, the day I love to hate most. Monday's are the worst for me, everything always seems to go wrong and so to speed up the week I post the news! I know depressing eh? LOL but it helps to start the week and hear the latest and greatest for what the week has in store for us Canadians.

Canucks everywhere have been waiting, holding their breath and praying Gillis didn't do the dumb thing and let Vancouver Canucks goaltender (Roberto Luongo) go as he's in the final year of his contract leaving him a free agent next summer.

Well there is good news on the rise, hopefully as early as tomorrow. It seems most of the deal has been worked out (big stuff anyhow) according to Global and the Canucks may get to see Louie a lot longer than even they bargained for.

Rumors are stating it could be a 10 year contract worth 50 to 60 million dollars total. Wow that's a lot of bread, milk and eggs for one hockey player. Is he worth it?

I am bias... I love him. I love watching him in net when he's got his A game on and he's one of the most exciting Vancouver Canucks to come around in a long while. So yeah I hope they sign him. We'll see what happens tomorrow if an announcement is made.  Is he worth it though?

No professional sports athlete is worth 60 million in eggs.


It's been a great and glorious long summer and I am sad to see it ending, though maybe not as soon as everyone expects.  August 31 the official last day and yet here we are in BC strolling around in shorts and t-shirts, tan happy and smiling.

It's been a rough season for some of our communities in dealing with these forest fires and the weather has done no miracles in helping to ease the burden, loss and grief that has followed this dry and busy summer for Canadian firefighters.

Global states... "It's been the least rainy and most sunny summer to date."  We've broken temperatures and records too boot.

Interesting tip: Last year  between June and Aug we had 25 days of rain.  This year we only had 14 days.  That's nearly half.  We also broke our record striking a temperature of 34.4 degrees at VIA (Vancouver International Airport) at the end of the July setting a new record for 2009.


Along with this weather something strange has taken place in Charlie Browns pumpkin patch.  The Great Pumpkin may not be around when October 31st arrives.

Pumpkins are already harvested.  They are big and look yummy and ready to carve.  Problem is Halloween is 2 months away.  All that local farmers can hope for is that it doesn't rain (LOTS) which would speed up the rotting process because if it does kids will be carving pumpkin pie.


I hate this part.  I hate politics.  Can't stand to discuss it, don't know anyone, don't want to know anyone, could care less who is running the country or province as it doesn't and never seems to fecking matter because in the end we always get screwed anyhow without a door prize.

But for all others, tomorrow the finance minister Collin Hansen will be laying out BC's Budget and SHOCK SHOCK it's not going to be a good one.

Hansen claims to reporters ... "It's going to be one of BC's Best Budgets ever..."

Yeah okay buddy you just keep telling yourself that.  Me I will just keep pretending that small people from OZ run our great country and sing magical songs that make me feel like I'm in Emerald City worth more than clover.

Hansen's speech takes place 2pm tomorrow afternoon for anyone who gives a shit.


There are too many fecking cars on the road as it is.  Maybe they will turn over and begin selling sleds so we can hang them outside our igloos LOL.  That would be so much fun.

Okay in all seriousness... Carter Chevrolet has been in Port Coquitlam for the past 30 but due to deals with the US and blah blah blah they closed their doors today and everyone is sad.  Okay Mike the mechanic with no job is sad as it seems almost all the employees managed to find other jobs with other dealers.

On a turn around ROYLES ROYCE has landed in Vancouver.  Why?

They feel despite the budget and econonmy it's a good time to hit this market and people will be buying their flashing modes of transport which range in price up to $500,000 bucks.  Pick your ass up yes I said five hundred thousand which is like worth more than most of the houses in BC.  But whatever.  I think they've been smoking our pot and our now delusional.

Now that's a market no matter how bad the economy gets will forever remain solid.  BC BUD RULES!

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Sunday, August 30, 2009

just call me project mom

Crazy business. It's Saturday and I'm bogged down with stuff to do. The kids are watching Planet Earth which Gammi and Papa sent them two years ago for Christmas and we have yet to watch it on our big screen. They are loving it!

Thank God, too because I've got so much to do I'm not sure I can even play mom today. I know bad because I should be spending time with my boo's but here is what is on my plate.

1.) Site redesign for Shoeless.

2.) Custom site creation for Wii rent games (searching for templates right now.)

3.) Premade templates need to be created for myself for my customers. That is going to take a while.

4.) Blog blog and blog...

5.) Mom Jam articles need to be done up.

6.) Co-op Newsletter creation and calendar for annual general meeting. I run the newsletter here because it's not like I don't have anything else to do LMAO.

7.) Movie site creation (side project)

8.) Site creation for Pawsitive Links. They are on my side bar, a great society please take the time to check them out thanks. I love sites that promote helping children and others.

9.) Laundry. Okay I think I'm actually taking that one off the list and giving it to FD (forgetful dad) to do when he gets home from doing castles heh heh... little does he know he's going to be my slave today!

10.) Sleep. Yeah right! Who the feck has time for sleep with all this on their plate?


Happy Saturday everyone!

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

everlast: lyrical genius

Okay so I know there are thousands of you out there who are going to read this and say OMG WTF? is she going on about. This guy has been around a while and yet here she is promoting his work and blah blah blah.

But whatever okay, I hadn't ever heard of EVERLAST until the other night and I have to share with others who may be musically challenged (like myself) the lyrical genius this guy has to offer.

Aside from the lead singers very distinct, sexy sounding voice that causes goosebumps to crawl on my skin (in a good way) mind you. Much of the music would be labeled in the rap field which I do not particularly like (aside from Eminem) and I don't really like all of his stuff (8 mile) my favorite song being one I'd listen to over and over.

But there is something about the way Erik Schrody (EVERLAST) an American rapper, singer and songwriter that when he spins his verbal tongue draws me into a dizzy forge of WORD LUVIN CRAZY thank you.

The guy is a true storyteller and I'm a writer so you can guess why I can appreciate his musical art. With songs like Ends (one of my favorites) and the reason I actually began listening to him. Black Jesus, I'm coming home to you, What it's like, I've seen better days, Lonely Road and Saving Grace all lead to the heart of living life, truth in spirit and stretch to reach that core of understanding someone else's pain.

Front man for the group HOUSE OF PAIN until 1996; he won a grammy for PUT YOUR LIGHTS ON for duo performance with Carols Santa one of FD's (forgetful dad's) most favorite performers.

I won't go on too much more about this guy's unique style of rap and acoustic based rock. Read the lyrics below for the song I love (ENDS) and you will understand what I'm talking about it. The song is brilliant, the melody engaging and the story worth listening to. Then watch the video so you can sing along like I do (hahah everyone watching) while I drive.

Songwriters who grab you and make you think, stop to smell the roses around your burning garden, stand up and fight for a justice you long forgot existed and make you tap your toes are artists this world truly needs to embrace ~ JP Shaw


Ends, some people will rob their mother
For the ends, rats snitch on one another
For the ends, sometimes kids get murdered
For the ends, so before we go any further
I want my ends

I knew this cat named darrell, he didnt have a dollar
He was harvard material, ivy league scholar
Had a ph.d., had an m.b.a.
But now hes waiting tables cause theres rent to pay
Companies downsizing, inflations rising
Cant find a job, hes feeling kind of stressed
Doesnt even feel the effects when he says
Forgot to count how many times he been blessed
So he falls off track, starts smoking the crack
And once it hits his brain, it starts to chain react
He sells the shirt off his back, shoes off his feet
Hes losing all his teeth, now hes out in the street
And all of sudden hes like jesse james
Trying to stick up kids for their watches and chains
But hes from business school, and hes nervous with the tool
So he ends up on his back in a bloody pool

For the ends...etc.

I knew this chick named sally, she had a nice strut
And everywhere that I went, she was up in the cut
Swinging that butt, like race you out here
Only rapped the benz, and rocked the fly gear
Brand name wearing, champagne waving
Jewels around the neck, a life style shes craving
Aint no saving, shes doing enough spending
If you do the lending, shell do the bending
Straight machine vending, its money for take
Shopping sprees get her on her knees
And if you hit her with keys to your crib, you acting funny
Come home one day, find her counting out your money
From the wetlands, all the way to the apollo
If youre broke shes spittin, and if youre rich she might swallow

For the ends...etc.

I knew these two homeboys, that made a lot of noise
Making money on the block, kids was on they jock
They was tougher than leather like reverend run
Dmc, they was toting guns
Holdin weight, goin out of state
Stackin mad chips, and pushin phat whips
Fly jewels and clothes, and got no job
And then one disappeared, and one got robbed

For the ends...etc.

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

wordless wednesday: pubescent times offer no back to school joy!

Yep it is and this Wordless ( Wordful ) Wednesday I have to quickly talk about grade five. Here is my short list of the things Gamerboy and I have discussed that somehow have led me to believe I'm royally screwed this year as puberty looms on the horizon...

1.) Clothes: they have to be good this year because of girls. Girls?

WTF when did that happen? He's only ten.

2.) Hair: Has to be cut right because of girls.

Okay I'm seeing a pattern emerging that I'm not liking.

3.) Public Affection: I cannot hold his hand this year or kiss him in front of anyone.

Since when?

4.) School Supplies: will only cost $55 this year including the planner.

Well about time I got some good news. My head is still on girls.

5.) Independence: Battling over walking to school with friends without us driving him.

Yes it's only a few blocks away but I am not keen on this damn idea.

6.) Lunch: Please make lunches without cutting sandwiches into heart shapes or dinosaur shapes because apparently he's too old for this now.

Okay okay I get the point.

7.) Social: Can we extend his bedtime so that nightly group outings like going to the movies can be included in this and he doesn't have to go to bed at eight o'clock.

Somehow I think girls are involved here and I'm begining to get pissed off.

8.) Rules: Call him Jake NOT Jacob. Girls call him Jake. He says it's more mature sounding.


9.) More Rules: Please don't speak to him in front of girls, make eye contact when they are around and above all else do nothing to embarass him when the female body is present in his space.

LOL yeah right like I'm listening to this one, I waited my whole life for payback buddy. No chance!

10.) Expectations: He wants a male teacher and lots of girls in his class.

Fuck me I'm screwed and going to hell and going to be a grandma before he's twelve at this rate!

Happy WW everyone. Head on over to the momjam and post your links there to join in the weekly fun.
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

random tuesday thoughts: when the past creeps up to you

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Just love Keely and if you post randomly on Tuesday's then give her a visit her and post your link at the UN MOM where you can read this weeks post: If ACDC sang underwater they might sound better lol? Man that girl cracks me up.

I hate the past. No seriously, I really do. Because no matter how hard we try to dissolve our issues, talk ourselves into saying "Hey I'm over this and I'm okay and can move on..." there is a way, a crack in the door, a small hole which somehow allows it to creep back in and fuck us right up!

I'm sitting in a tent right now with my boys. Gamerboy who is (ten), Pickleboy (three) and DH whom I love
Lissette Ochoa's arm.Image via Wikipedia
more than life itself, all snoozing soundly as the early morning chill sets in with them oblivious as mom sits here and bawls while typing.

It's hard to type while crying. You try it! LOL.

Why am I crying?

Well I keep having these awful, horrible, heart pumping nightmares concerning my ex and him doing bodily harm to us.

I know it's stupid really. I mean he has no idea we are up here. But I can't stop thinking about it... what went down last time we were here which was two weeks ago to visit Cole my stepson and all the crap that ensued.

You see Gamerboy is my son from my first relationship before I met (forgetful dad). We were together for like ten or twelve years, can't really remember at this point since the entire relationship is one gigantic blur of (I don't give a shit anymore) and would rather put the memories behind me kinda of thing.

Let's just say we didn't mesh well (being kind) and a lot of crap happened between us that involved me (bodily harm) to me (Gamerboy) in the middle, cops being called, arrests made and so much disrespect that you'd puke if you even knew how much and shake me for even allowing him access to Gamer as I've done in the past.

The last time we were up here was two years ago which is exactly how long it had been since Gamer's dad (the big bad ex) had seen my son. I say "my" son because well let's face it you have to actually involve yourself in a child's life on some level to be let into the parental club, to which he has not for the past ten years since GB was born.

Two years he'd gone without seeing my beautiful boy, and the moment I arrive he starts in on me on how all of sudden he has to drop everything and how I'm late coming up and blah blah blah (no really that is all you will hear when he talks) blah blah blah like that teacher on Charlie Brown (wha wha wha what wha wha...)

I tried to be calm. I tried to be reserved and hold back my German (Hitler) instincts to shake him until he turned purple and scream at him
"YOU haven't seen your son in two years hug him dammit! He's been missing you and all you can do is start a great big fight with me over nothing!"

I wasn't late. I wasn't even there to bring Gamer to see him (three hours away) from where we live. I was there visiting my stepson and vacaing with the kids and hubby and thought mmmmmm you haven't seen your kid in two years maybe it would be nice if you and your son visit.

Nothing ever changes with him though. Don't know why I expected anything different.

Anyhow we left Gamer with him for like two hours or so. He told us when to come and get him. So DH goes to pick up Gamer and they aren't there. No..... guess where they are? Guess?

He (big bad ex) decided to bring gamer to where I was staying (with friends) and start another verbal bashing infront of all the children there, our friends and be a dink!

Needless to say the entire ordeal was awful! And by the time I got back home I was emotionally crippled and overwhelmed with the crap that ensued while away.

To make matters worse... Gamer all of sudden started acting strange. He was moody and upset. Then I get a call from my mom telling me he came over to see her and my brother and my dad (they live in the same town housing complex we do.)

Mom proceeded to tell me Gamer began asking them all these questions concerning his dad, our relationship in the past, why everyone hates him and what happened...


Gamer also spoke to other people to which mom directed him to, my friends, his aunt in Richmond whom he hasn't called yet and others who have had first hand experiences (and not good ones) run ins with his father.

I'm sitting in the tub when Gamer walks right in, and I can see the hurt and anger in his eyes.
"Is it true?" He asks me.
He proceeds to tell me everything he got told and all I can do at this point is simply nod. All the while I'm thinking...

Yes it's true honey... it's all true. Your father beat me. He hit me so hard he broke all the blood vessels in my eyes when he pounded in the back of my skull. Yes it's true he smoked drugs the day of your delivery and had to be sent home because he complained more about being tired himself while I was busy screaming in pain squeezing you out. Yes it's true he got into a fist fight with your papa (my dad) twice because of the way he spoke to me in front of the family calling me names you can't even spell, and he spilled hot coffee on you as a baby scalding you because he was aiming it at me when he threw it. Yes it's true he will tell you NONE of this true and I'm a crazy ass liar who needs therapy while he's smart and kind and never did any of these things. Yes it's true I spent twelve years being verbally bashed, physically abused and treated like a dirty dog that worth nothing better off dead! I was scared, alone and had no idea how to get out and you (my precious boy) are the only thing that saved me. It's all true and I'm so sorry baby...

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked frankly.

I didn't tell him because it wasn't his business. What happened between his father and I before and after he was born was (our business). That was how I thought. I didn't want him to hate his dad. I've never kept them apart because (I don't know) why because I was afraid Gamer would hate me, think I was trying to manipulate him as many parents do when they hate one ex spouse and try to bash that parent. So I just didn't say anything.

Problem is the abuse has continued for years every time I see him, despite being married now with another child. In fact it's gotten worse, except it's not physical anymore and he abuses Gamer verbally trying to make him hate him, saying nasty things and yells and screams and fuck I didn't know what to do.

Well the choice suddenly wasn't mine anymore. Read here and you will see why. Gamer has a blog and right before we decided to come back up here for another visit with Cole he got an email from his father concerning this last awful visit and this time Gamer responded (himeself).

Now this leads me to where I am right at this very moment, scared to death for some reason that (the big bad ex) is going to go nuts, come after me and kill me and Gamer and possibly harm us physically in some way and I cannot get it off my mind.

I can't sleep. I feel sick inside. I cry a lot lately. I just wish things could be different.

FD (forgetful dad) my hubby has been a good father to Gamer over the past six years. He loves him a lot and is there for him. He's taught him how to be respectful to me and others. How to be a good person and loving and caring. He tucks him in at night. Carries him to the doctors when he can't walk and is to sick to move. He sits with him during his growing pains and rubs his legs.

Yet Gamer suffers like I do. Trapped in a past that somehow seems to want to engulf us both and swallow us whole because of one person who seems to have so much power we just don't know how to gain that control back.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I know right now Gamer does not want to see his father. I know it's my job to protect him and support his decisions. I know the past shouldn't creep up and bite us in the ass. But I also know that in life there are no guarantees.

The big bad ex is clearly a very big example of that.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

not a celebrity just a blogger

Blogging MontageImage by Blogging Librarian via Flickr
I was interviewed by 5 minutes for mom one of the best mom sites on the net. Oh heck, it's a great site for everyone! They have sister sites for books, parents of special needs kids and more.

Anyhow I was searching for templates when I came across the interview I had done to which I had completely forgotten about. It was kinda cool to read it and know it was posted on their site.

I've been interviewed before. Quite a few times actually (for my writing). The last time was for the front page of the Abbotsford News for the story I wrote "She had his heart" for Chicken Soup.

And my first interview ever came when I was 16 with the Province Newspaper and CTV news concerning a story I wrote against the property management company where we were living at the time forcing all tenants to get rid of the animals they already had and were allowed to have upon moving in due to a policy change to which we (tennants) had no say.

Mom wasn't pleased when I wrote that story. Stirred up some trouble.

But this interview is different. It's 5 minutes for mom, and I love them. I also take pride in blogging and love doing it.

Not for you (sorry not to be mean) but because I love it. I really do. It's like an extension of myself, writing. I have to do it everyday. It's like breathing for me. I always have something to write about and something to say and when I'm not writing I'm not happy.

Just ask my family... LOL. I get crabby if I don't get to write for days.

My son saw the interview. He said...
"mom you are a celebrity now."

I had to laugh. He said the same thing when my first story for Chicken Soup for the Soul got published. He was so proud because they have Chicken Soup books at his elementary school and he's in grade four and they are reading some of the stories.

"Nawww." I said to him. "I'm not a celebrity honey. Mommy is just a blogger."

Just a blogger. One of ten million other bloggers out there. And guess what? *smiles* I'm okay with that.

You can read the interview HERE

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

if you believe in love and happily ever after will you still fail?

What would you do if you found out your spouse cheated on you with your best friend? What if he has a mid-life crisis and wants to trade you in for something younger? How would you know if he or she were cheating on you?

It's never like in the movies, is it? Where you notice lipstick on the collar or someone else's perfume on their skin. Shit I spend enough time cleaning and being with the kids, dirt and grime that by the end of the day the only person I can smell is myself and poopy diapers.

So how would I know?

Why as women do we think horrible thoughts? Why do we automatically presume we aren't lovable? That no matter how much we love or give to one person, eventually in the end we are all going to get screwed!

A few of my friends are getting divorced. I'm getting older. I'm no 20 year old anymore. I mean shit I only met DH six years ago. We started our life together LATE! And I wanted forever.

I know a silly notion, eh? Forever without divorce, but with romance. I meant my vows. Boy I meant them. When I go to sleep at night I dream about one man, as strange as it is. I dream about my husband. I'm in love with him. He is my best friend, my partner and lover. And as cliche as it sounds he is the first person I want to see when I wake up and the last person I want to hug before closing my eyes.

So why do I feel so damn jealous lately?

The other night DH went to help my bff Shoeless to pick up a bed for her daughter she found on Craig's. The most adorable little cottage bed made perfectly for Grace that any little princess would adore.

Before that we went to Mission to pick up a table for our backyard and a step2 desk for pickleboy for his room (FREE) God I love Craig's List!

DH is always helping out when he can. He's always lending a hand to someone. Like where we live there is a single mom D who has two little boys and both her and DH often trade banters with one another (FLIRTING) yes but it's all in fun and harmless. He's like that with all my friends. He's like that with me. It's one of the things I love about us.

No matter what mood we are in or what is going on DH and I can trade verbal banter that makes us both laugh at each other, tease one another and we keep each other on our toes.

They were gone for 2 hours though!

Two hours and at first I thought nothing. I was watching the kids. I was watching television. I mean I am sure it didn't help that I was watching FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL, story of a guy who gets dumped by his long time gf only to discover she'd been with another guy for nearly a year before he even found out.


So it's then I suddenly wonder... WhreTF are my BFF and my DH? Why have they been gone so long? What are they doing? And well F*cK from there my brain just snowballed into one giant worried ball of MY GOD I'M GOING TO END UP ON DOCTOR PHIL OR OPRAH!~!!!!!!!

I couldn't get a hold of them. I only called Shoeless once. But I called DH several times. But I mean who answers the phone when they are busy? Right?

I can't explain to you why I had these thoughts. Never in a million years would I ever think DH would do something like that to me, and neither would Shoeless (she loves me) unlike any friend I've ever had.

So they pull up with the bed for Grace and coffee from Tim's (which Shoeless) knows is my fav... and here I was thinking they were...

What is the matter with me?

And to top it off. I got all emotional (because Flow is coming to town) I think and DH noticed right away something was wrong and here is where the whole situation is messed up. These are the two people in the whole entire world I can truly be my crazy self with.

I told him and her what I was thinking.

Did they yell at me? (NO) Did they laugh at me for being stupid with my thoughts? (NO) DH got emotional and told me he loved me and Shoeless hugged me and told me to drink my coffee and it was okay I had a crazy moment.

That is the way she is with me. It doesn't matter if I'm stupid or crazy or think retarded things. It doesn't matter if I'm having a bad parenting day or want to lock myself in the closet away from the world.

Shoeless would get a key cut and open the door and demand I take my ass out of the closet into the sunshine and talk me through what is wrong.

Sometimes being married is so complicated. Sometimes being a parent is even more complicated. Sometimes trusting your friends and loved ones isn't easy. But when you find a spouse and friends who love you for who you are maybe you should look a little deeper at yourself to see what they see and find the good in yourself and realize if they love you...

Maybe you should love yourself too!
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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

a pain no mother should ever feel: the loss of a child

My good friend Shoelessmommy came over today. I was upstairs blogging on the computer in bed and she climbed in with me, something not out of the ordinary lol. I know sounds strange but often SM will come over and crawl into bed with me where we talk and laugh and cry about stuff.

It's a woman thing.

Today though I could tell instantly she was out of sorts. That's when she blurted out the words...

"Love's headstone was put down today."

Love is SM's baby boy who passed away due to complications 5 days after he was born. Grace his sister (his twin) also born with complications is now four years old and having complications of her own lately, namely her heart rate dropping and turning blue type episodes that are scaring the shit out of SM and of course it would.

Love was born healthy and contracted sepsis (from the hospital) he was born at. A big investigation ensued but to no avail Love could not be saved and he passed away before his little life even began.

"It's so beautiful. Would you go with me to see it?"

I of course nodded and immediately got ready to go with her. The lump in my throat growing bigger as we approached the cemetary where Love was laid to rest. She is my friend. This was her son.

As a mother I can't even begin to imagine the pain she must have felt back then, holding him in her arms while the doctors told her his condition worsened over night and he'd contracted a bacterial infection and there was no hope.

In fact I'm crying about it now as I blog to you. It's a pain no mother should ever feel: the loss of a child. A twin to boot.

The headstone is gorgeous and I'm not saying that just because I know SM will be reading this. It's truly beautiful. It looks like black onyx carved with white hearts. A baby is lying on a blanket reaching up with its tiny fingers trying to touch the baby above it floating with angel wings.

Grace on the bottom saying goodbye to her better half Love as he is called home. The inscription on the headstone reads: "There is no end that is not a begining..."

I took the photos above because the moment was too beautiful not to share as SM and I stood there surrounded by so many little ones laid to rest, my heart sank.

Before we went to visit Love, we stopped at the florist to pick out a bouquet of some kind. First SM picked a burgandy glass vase with some pretty flowers in it. I flipped over the price to show her and she blurted out...

"I don't care about the cost! Think of all the birthdays and Christmases he's missed!"

Well I have to say I couldn't stop laughing. She says the funniest things when she's upset. Not making fun or mocking but she has the ability to make you laugh when you are crying. It's something I love about her.

SM held my hand and I told her to say a prayer while we stood in front of the headstone. She had a hard time. It's been four years since her son passed but the pain never fades. Then she whispered...

"I heard a quote the other day that made me think of you honey. I once thought I would have the chance to sit you on my knee and tell you all about God. Now I hope you will have the chance to sit on God's knee and he can tell you all about me..."

She is brave. She is strong. She is a mother who buried her child and today went to weep over his loss and dance for joy at the finalization as his headstone was laid upon his resting spot.

I am grateful she shared that moment with me. She is my friend.

I love you SM, keep your chin up and know I'm always here for you.

~ JP
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my 3 year old hates me wtf?

Never saw it coming. Blindsided and totally thrown off guard. Tears rolled down my cheeks unexpectedly when the words escaped his tiny lips.

Now you have to understand. Well you don't have to, you can claim I'm a bad mother, it wouldn't be the first time someone has said that to me regarding pickleboy and his behavior toward us.

PB is a child who exudes confidence but he's also a child with special needs. With Asperger's he often throws tantrums when things don't go right. He bites and hits and screams. And despite these things though we are teaching him to control these outbursts and that acting this way isn't appropriate, whether it's toward us or other children or adults it's not right.

He wanted chocolate milk. It's something he has every morning. But on this particular morning we didn't have any milk. We were low on cash and couldn't afford to get any until payday.

I told him 'no' several times which didn't fair well with him. He flew into a rage and that's when it came.

"I hate you!" He screamed at me.

My heart stopped.

Gamerboy who is now ten never ever ever had spoken to me like that. In fact in all the years of raising him, GB hasn't even used the word 'no' to me. Sure he might whine a bit or complain or question when he doesn't think something I'm asking him to do is fair or to his liking. He is a child after all.

But he doesn't say 'no' and he certainly has never told me he hated me.

Instantly I cried. I know it's silly; I mean pickleboy is only three years old and most likely (ahem most likely) doesn't understand how his words can affect someone. But it really hurt.

My heart broke.

PB saw me crying and at least he came over to say he was sorry. Though at the time I was hurt and angry and really wanted nothing to do with him. He's three I had to remind myself and I tried to talk

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Saturday, August 8, 2009

a week with no blogging

Blogging ReadinessImage by cambodia4kidsorg via Flickr
For my few (eleven) followers who might be curious, no I haven't abandoned my blog.
I went out of town, got sick, dealt with family crap and decided that I would do it all without touching my computer for at least a full week.

I know insane, right?

But I promised the fam-damily I wouldn't blog and I would devote my attention to spending some quality time with them.

Last few posts (somewhere) I believe I mentioned going away to pick up my stepson for a two week visit at our house. I guess I will start there to catch you up.
We went to Ktown to pick up Cole and we were all excited, but the trip wasn't without peril.

DH's check didn't come on time so we had to delay our trip a day or two. We got there and finally had Cole in our arms when it hit me that something was wrong. Call it mothers intuition or whatever. But I could just tell he wasn't feeling good about things.

We stayed with friends overnight, pitching our tent in their backyard, which was perfect since the weather was a balmy 39 degrees and sweltering.
Cole cried a few times for mum. But it was late at night that it got worse. That is when my heart broke.
I held him in my arms while he begged me not to bring him down to our house.

It was awful really.

So the following morning I called hubby's ex and talked to her. She felt good that I was concerned about Cole. I told her we didn't want to make him do anything he wasn't comfortable with.

Cole is six turning seven and hasn't really seen us much in the past two years. So basically we are strangers. He isn't ready to come to our home without mom and dad yet. But all wasn't lost.

Cole spent the next few days camping with us. His attitude changed once he knew we weren't bringing him home and mom was close by. That also made me feel better, though I won't lie (the boys) and DH were extremely disappointed but they understood.

While we were up in Ktown, I was leery about allowing Gamerboy to see his father whom he hadn't seen in two years. But GB's dad had appeared to be getting his life back on track (appeared) that is.

He told me he was making plans on maybe moving to Cali to begin a career as a comedian, talking about what it was like being homeless in BC.
I said nothing, only encouraged him. Who am I to squash a poor man's dreams?
I told GB's dad we were coming up. His cell had been disconnected so he gave me his address and said see you when I see you.

So we showed up at his house. He was asleep when we got there in the afternoon. I expected him to come rushing out and hug his son. GB was so excited to be seeing him. That is until he appeared at the doorway.

Nothing has changed!

He immediately started yelling at me saying I was late or something. That he'd waited two days for his son and now I was expecting him to drop everything. I tried to remain calm and explain to him I had no way of calling ahead of time to a person that has no phone. He should have been happy to see GB.

Instead he acted like I was wasting his time and it was a huge fight.
Finally I left, GB stayed for a couple hours with him. They went bike riding and DH and our friend Happy went to pick GB up but they weren't there. No instead GB's dad brought him to where I was and guess what...? .

You got it, he started up again on how I was late bringing his boy to see him. He yelled at me in front of all the kids and our friends. I finally told him to shut up and leave if all he can do is complain he should feel lucky because I didn't have to bring GB to see him. I was there visiting my stepson not him!

I also reminded him he pays no child support. FMEP has to find him and garnish him because he loses jobs faster than he loses his hair. So it's not often I get any money for GB and yet still I try to make sure they have a relationship with one another.
Finally he left and that night GB told me all he did while they were together was talk about me and how bad I was and GB is sick of it.

The whole entire time while we were away I was ill. It started with the flu but ended with bronchial pneumonia and a sinus infection which hurt my brain and eyes and cheeks. It was awful.

But I'm on antibiotics finally now and getting better soon I hope.
Overall the worst part of my vacation was missing all of you and not being able to blog. Well that and dealing with GB's dad and Cole not wanting to come back with us.

But otherwise we had fun.
We bbq'ed most nights under the sun. The kids swam in the pool and after the sun went down we walked to the beach which was only a few blocks away (SWEET) and the kids all had a blast.
We are going back up middle of August for Cole's b day.

We have presents for him and wish to spend more time with him.
Our family isn't perfect. We are a blended family and those are never easy. I often wonder how pickleboy will feel when he gets older and discovers in reality that GB is his half brother and Cole is his half brother and GB and Cole are step brothers... lol Ahhh the fun of it.

Truth is it doesn't really matter because we are all family no matter how we are related by blood or otherwise.
Hopefully this next trip back up to Ktown will go more smoothly eh?

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