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Monday, April 12, 2010

nervous about finding a babysitter

I was molested by my babysitter.  So it goes without saying that when it comes to the idea of finding a babysitter for the boys, I'm a bit overwhelmed with emotions.

I don't blame the kid responsible for doing the things he did to me.  I don't blame my parents for leaving me in his care, either.  They didn't know.  I was only five at the time and they trusted the person I was with.

But when it comes to my boys, especially Pickle, who just turned four, the idea of someone else watching them, someone I can trust... Where can I find such a person?  How will I know if I can trust them?  The whole thing makes me feel sick inside.

Why the pressure to find a sitter?

Well for starters, FD (Forgetful Dad) and myself haven't had a date in nearly four and half years, not that our marriage is in trouble and we need one.  We spend every day together- neither of us working.  FD because of his brain injury can't work and me- well I'm the caregiver to both him and Pickle, who has Cerebral Palsy.

Maybe that is the problem. 

I worry I won't be able to find anyone who will love my baby the way I do.  Someone who can understand his special needs, his OCD tendancies, know how to deal with his melt downs and his fears and treat him kind--instead of mistaking him for a spoiled child just wanting attention.

The truth is leaving Pickle and Gamer with anyone other than my parents, pushes my anxiety through the roof, but FD wants me to try.

Our good friend is getting married in Las Vegas and wants us to go down there for the ceremony to share in her special day.  FD of course wants to go.  It's Vegas baby!  He's always wanted to go there.  A whole weekend away from the kids... What parent wouldn't jump at that opportunity?


I'm insane.

I have never been away from the kids for more than an hour or two--EVER!  Not even as a single mother, before I met FD did I really spend any time away from Gamer, except for when I went back to school to get my diploma in office administration and that one time when his father (he who should not be named) came to get him for a week during one Christmas, and that nearly killed me!

But I didn't worry about Gamer back then in the same way I do Pickle.  It's because Pickle has special needs I know it is.  Not because I love one child more than the other--just not possible in mommy land. 

Maybe it's not healthy being this close to my kids.  A vacation does sound divine. 

But what if Pickle cries for me?  What if something happens when he's outside playing?  What if he has an accident with the potty?  What if Gamer gets emotinal about something and... what if? what if? what if?

Lord lock me up!

I'm certifiable, I know.  I promised FD I would try and so I shall. 

So how does an emotional mom with anxiety disorder find a good babysitter for her angels?  Simple--she asks her readers for advice.  So tell me moms and dads in cyberland.

Where do I start?



Meghann on April 12, 2010 at 10:38 AM said...

Personally, I don't trust boy babysitters. Probably for the same reasons you don't...

But I would start by checking out the Early Childhood Education course at UFV. You know they have n criminal records and they will need the reference to get a job, later.

A.Marie on April 12, 2010 at 10:49 AM said...

I have to tell you that I'm not a good source of information in this area but I do understand completely where you are coming from. I have never left my kids alone with anyone except my immediate family. When they were younger, I did enroll each of them in the neighborhood daycare center. It was just a few hours daily, and they enjoyed it, but they were also glad when it closed down (owner moved) and they didn't have to go anymore.

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