If there is one thing I adore about my husband, it's the fact that no matter where we are, what we are doing.  He always knows when there is something wrong and can get me to talk about it.

It's been hard the past four years.  I can't even begin to tell you how hard because I don't want to seem as if I'm whining about my life.  I'm not.  I love my life.  We aren't rich.  Hubby has a brain injury and goes to sleep at night forgetting everything that happened the day before.  My youngest has very mild Cerebral Palsy and is healthy otherwise.  I have a beautiful stepson who is turning eight this summer and my oldest Gamer is eleven and one of my best friends.

But sometimes being a mother of a special needs child.  A child who can be ---different.  It isn't always easy and I hurt sometimes so badly inside it's hard to even breathe.  If you are a mother you will know what I'm talking about.

I have an amazing relationship with my oldest son Gamer.  So amazing, you have no idea how so but I wish all mothers could share what I share with my kid.  The way we talk about stuff, share our feelings, have fun and laugh.  The way he still hugs me and says "I love you mom."  It's wonderful!

My relationship with PB (Pickleboy) my little angel with special needs.  Well--- it's not the same.

It's not that I expect my relationship with my youngest child to be the same as it is with his oldest brother.  But it's more than that.  There is a wall up where PB is concerned.  There always has been.  It's getting better though since he turned four.  At least now he will come and hug me and tell me he loves me.

The problem is with me.

Sometimes I don't feel anything for him.  My God---I know what you are thinking.  What kind of mother admits this to the entire blog world about her own child.  But it's true.  Sometimes I'm so detached from him and don't feel as if we are close.  Not the same way he is close with my husband and I feel angry inside at times because of it.  In fact to be honest --- I feel cheated.

Before PB was born I lost a child.  A little girl.  I've talked about it here a bit but that isn't the point.  I lost her and got pregnant within a month, too fast.  I was grieving and had no time to really even feel anything.  Then when I started loving the child inside of me we discovered we were losing him and I instantly went into saving mode.

I rested.  I ate right.  I waited and prayed nothing would be wrong with him---my baby.  And when he was born and I discovered he had Cerebral Palsy because he wasn't sitting up on his own, walking or speaking, flailing his hands, showing some autistic signs and more.  I immediately went into caregiver mode.

And that's where I've been for the past four years, caregiver mode.

I try to talk to PB.  I beg for hugs sometimes.  I cry a lot.  I just wish I could feel close to him but sometimes I don't and it hurts a lot.  Sometimes I think it's because maybe I'm so scared of losing him I distance myself without realizing it.  I don't know.  I guess I just want to know what I'm feeling is normal and that one day it will feel better.  One day I will feel close to my child.

Because right now I'm lost.