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Friday, March 27, 2009

dear pickle boy: stop growing up.

I know you have no idea what I'm talking about. You are a kid. How could you possibly understand the engorged lump in my throat as I realize all you've been through.

You have have graduated from bottles and hopefully soon diapers, into a walking and talking little rascal with a spirit so free a mustang would be proud.

I watch as you play cars up and down the hall, listening as you speak to hockey dude (your brother) about your day, now fully understanding every little word you say, and I cannot help but feel the swagger of emotion drilling through me. That's when it hits me hard.

My baby is gone.

When did this happen?

How did this happen?

It was just yesterday we were at the hospital with you, praying to the big man above for your health and safety as we watched you struggling to breathe. Every milestone you've reached (so late) but you've reached and with a confidence that burns me up with pride - all the while giving me those encouraging hugs and kisses - instead of the much used ... "I can do it myself mama!" I am hearing so frequently now.

Your birthday has come and gone. Another year has passed. Your party was a big success and you and all your friends (mostly cousins) had so much fun bouncing on the bouncy castle, decorating party bags and playing musical chairs. You with the biggest smile on your face all the while as the kids all laughed and played.

I realize what an achievement this is for you and how much effort, paitence and love has gone into you these past three years. I'm so deeply impressed with the road you've travelled, no matter what boulders stood in your way - you found a way around them.

But I'm still sad.

I can't help it. I'm your mother after all.

And it's a job I greatly adore and cherish. And even though I know you cannot stay a little rascal forever. There would be no fun in that. I just wish you would slow down. I wish for those snuggles we used to share. I wish for those butterfly kisses you used to shower me with and that cute little way you'd reach out for me to grab hold.

Now you push me away.

You demand everything.

You cry when you can't have your way.

You even yell at me... *pause to wipe my tears* - that one hurts.

Ahhh but I also know you are you, or rather becoming the you that you are going to be and there will be no stopping you from going down that road. No matter how much I wish for it that star has drifted away.

So I will say this.

I love you.

No matter what age you are.

No matter what direction life is taking you.

All those milestones, those obstacles you will face, decisions you will have to make.

I will be there.

Even if it's only as a spectator to jump up and cheer you on or as a teacher to give you lessons to learn to help you on your way.

I will be there.

That at least will never change. That is something I can count on. I can't change what has happened nor can I ask time to stop because time won't listen. But I can rely on how I love you and keep loving you.

Forever and always

- mom


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