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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

night scares

Okay so lately I haven't been sleeping well. I have been having trouble breathing. Not gasping for air kind of trouble, thank God, at least not yet.

No negative self talk, I know but it's hard. Both of my parents have had heart attacks, both are not even sixty, both smoke and there is a history of lung problems, diabetes, heart disease and an array of other health issues in my unforeseen future.

This is scaring the (sh)ite! right out of me though!

So much so that I'm telling all of you by blogging about it at 5:22 am because I'm scared to death to go back to sleep for fear I won't wake up.

It starts at night when I try to go to sleep. I try laying on my side, both sides if I need to and not my back because that just makes it worse. I suffer from depression and panic attacks and anxiety, but I don't know if that is what is causing this.

I woke Corey a half hour ago to come and sit with me in the tub and talk to me because I didn't want to be alone. He wasn't too worried which really pissed me off, typical guy attitude. Anything to do with health, doctors or possible hospital visits and he cringes. And okay I get it, I mean the small deal with the coma, him forgetting the first 20 or so years of his life and dealing with a (sh)ite load of doc's during that wasn't fun. But man show me some emotion dagnabbit!

I'm overweight and I smoke, two very bad things which I'm working on. I just wish I didn't feel this tightness in my chest and trouble breathing as regularly as it has been happening. Tomorrow Corey is going to take me to the walk in clinic.

I don't want to see my regular doctor because all he does is harp on my weight but never sends me for tests. He always chalks everything up to nothing, which bugs me. Sure I might be worrying for nothing but that is my prerogative and maybe it's not nothing.

Well for now I guess I will try to sleep. It helps talking about it and has calmed me down a bit so thanks for listening. It's hard when you feel alone, the kids are sleeping, DH is sleeping and right now my cat Thomas is looking at me LADY GO BACK TO SLEEP YOU'RE FINE...

Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. For now I'm heading over to Facebook to check my messages and see my friends. Until next time...

~ Manic Mom


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