This is me on a regular day. Shit this is most of us manic moms. Busy cleaning, dealing with the kids, homework, house work, cooking supper, paying bills.

You name it I'm doing it.

But my mother will call sometimes at 3, or 4 or 5 in the evening and find me asleep.


"Why are you sleeping?" She will ask me to which I hold my tongue because swearing at her at that particular moment of waking up won't make my mood change.

I simply reply, "because I'm tired."

That is an understatement. Trace is almost three and lately seems as though him being difficult isn't normal. Or is it? I will tell you right now, I think I have a little OCD in me because I'm compulsive and tenacious when it comes to searching and doing research on the Internet about anything I want to know concerning Trace and his troubles.

I can't help it. I need answers.

Is this a normal way a toddler almost three acts?

Or is this a part of his disability? And if so then how can I cope and help him through it? Better still if it is normal now what do I do because I can't deal with it or the emotions I have inside.

These are the things that run through my brain daily. And talking to DH (Dear Hubby) is like talking to a door right now. He just refuses to listen to me when I tell him my attachment, or rather lack of attachment to our only child together doesn't feel right.

Don't get me wrong I love Trace. Of course I love him. I am his mother. But when I look at him... when I have to fight to get any hugs or kisses, fight to hold him, fight to get him to say he's sorry for bashing a large truck over his much older brothers head and see no regret in him.

When I have to keep giving him time-outs knowing they aren't working, or turn my back on him because I don't want to give the tantrum he's having any further power, despite the nagging urge to gouge my ear drums out with a ice pick just to make him stop screaming. I feel very--detached from baby boy.

And I hate it.

Dealing with Trace's disabilities isn't easy. They are mild and most people look at him and say "What's wrong with him? He looks normal."

See that is the problem.

Not that I want anything to be wrong with him. Shit I'd give my life to return his to one where hospital visits and tests, occupational therapists, speech therapists and so forth weren't a part of Trace's daily life. But I cannot.

No what bothers me is that I know there IS something wrong. Something wrong with the way he behaves, certain things he does and things he says. I can't explain it I just know. I am again-- his MOTHER and it's my job to know. And there is the main reason my anger is bursting at the seems from me whenever we get around someone that says:

"Oh don't worry he's a typical three year old and he'll grow out of it. There's nothing wrong with him. Look how far he's come and he's all caught up."

Those comments alone make me want to shout at the world: WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TAKE ANOTHER LONG HARD LOOK AND SEE THAT THIS BEHAVIOR ISN'T CHANGING?

Trace hits and hurts everyone he plays with when things don't go his own way.
No amount of time outs or talking seem to help him understand we talk with our mouth not our hands.
He bits if a child goes up the stairs before he does. Bites their ankles, arm, back. He's drawn blood on three of his five cousins.
He has melt downs whenever about little things. He wants a toy and I say no toys at the table. He throws things, cries for it again and again. I repeat no. I tell him the consequences. I remove him and say you can eat with us when you have finished your tantrum. I even ask him if he's unhappy or sad or mad.
He doesn't respond.
He will grab my ears and twist them even when I tell him (please don't that hurts mommy) he replies (I want to) and tries again and again.
He punches in the private area of other children
He constantly touches my chest (I punch your boobies mommy) I tell him no we don't touch each others privates, please don't. He does it again and again and again until a time out is given.
If he wants a car another child is playing with he takes it. He will hurt that child to get it.
He tells us to shut up, says no I won't, screams at me yes over and over

The list goes on.

Yet everyone says yep welcome to being three. Yet how much is Trace being three, behind on his speech, delayed at birth, troubles since the beginning socializing? Or could his CP (Cerebral Palsy) be linked to other known disorders and diseases. Like Aspergers, Bipolar Disorder and more.

I will tell you what I know...