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Saturday, June 27, 2009

friday frustrations: mental depression cracks me up


So it's Friday which means I get to rant, right? right?

Well according to Conversations with Moms I do and since I follow them on Friday's I'm sticking to the game plan and the RANT BEGINS NOW...

Today was not a good day for me. By not a good day I mean I was emotional, unbalanced, irritated and moody one moment, and totally happy and bouncy ball the next.

I have chemical depression or rather a form of bipolar disorder to which I gleefully take magic happy pills that manage to keep me balanced throughout the year. That is until I...

A.) Either forget to take them.

B.) Take them too late at night and thus the effect just makes it so I can't sleep or

C.) Have to deal with the government because my pills ran out and red tape bullship means I have to wait to get them since the men behind that red tape pay for them.


Today was (C) and let me tell you it's not fun!

And the worst part is when Hockeydude, my loving and caring ten year old notices that mommy is not quite herself because she is sitting on the sofa blubbering and leaking uncontrollably over an episode of SVU she's already seen a million times, where a little girl gets killed by her own mother. To screaming at his brother for trying to put the cat in the dryer and threatening to take away his teeth brushing time (something Pickleboy loves) as a punishment!

Dude turns to me and says: "Mom do you need your happy pills?"

Okay I'm leaking again.

I hate feeling this way.

I hate having depression and mood swings.

I hate being on meds and the fact that taking the meds helps to control my condition.

And I most definitely hate that I have been dealing with this since I was a kid and realize it's not really going to get any better because there is just no cure for Bipolar Disorder or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and that man truly SUCKS BIG DONKEY DUCKS!

I love my boys, more than breathing. Breathing is highly overrated anyhow. But I do -- love them so much and I hate it when I'm so tired (depressed) some days it's such a fight to even drag my ass bum out of bed to go downstairs to make them breakfast and be with them.

That in itself makes me sad enough to cry until I drown. It hurts me.

If it wasn't for DH and his ability to cope and understand with my disorder/mood swings/girlie moments where one moment I'm singing his praises and the next I'm telling him how unhappy he and the kids and the world makes me feel. I don't know what I would do.

You know most days I'm good. In fact I'm better than that -- I'm GREAT! I feel good inside and I'm happy and love being around my family and playing with my boys. The medication I'm on doesn't make me feel like a zombie or disconnected from my emotions in any way shape or form.

But other days, like today (when I don't have my pills) and I'm feeling down in the dirty dumps. It's so hard to even imagine being happy about anything and a struggle to crack a smile or feel in touch with myself.

I just want to feel NORMAL, you know?

Then Corky tells me: "Honey none of us are normal. Everyone is screwed up in one way or another. You get sad (depression). Dude can't sit still (mild ADD) Pickleboy can't always walk (Cerebral Palsy) and has a hard time with his social interactions (Asperger's) and I forget everything (Brain Injury).

Great! Leave it to DH to try to cheer me up by reminding me that both my boys have their own inner troubles and that he can't remember the last time he kissed me or said I love you (totally not his fault so no blame there).

Now I feel better.

I glance over at our cat (Thomas) sitting on the floor next to a plastic shopping bag. He isn't playing in the bag, pouncing on it or hiding inside it. No he's LICKING IT!

What can I say - We're a mixed bag of nuts.



Please leave me a comment if you are participating in Friday Frustrations or leave me a comment anyhow because I love reading them and then head over to CWM's and link your post.



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2 comments:

Maria@Conversations with Moms on June 27, 2009 at 11:15 AM said...

I'm so sorry for all your troubles. You do seem to have a loving and caring family who would do anything to make you happy. That in itself is very lucky.

Thanks for sharing your story with us and for participating in my meme.

(virtual hug)

David on June 28, 2009 at 7:00 PM said...

SVU makes me cry a lot too. I hope you get your medications quickly.

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