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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

random tuesday thoughts: for better or for worse

When I met DH and finally realized I was going to get married; it was in all honesty one of the happiest days of my life.

I knew he had a brain injury. I knew he didn't remember things. I knew each night he went to sleep and woke up the next morning that everything the previous day before would be forgotten.

I knew... and I still love him so deeply.

What is scary right now is that lately his memory is getting worse. But not just that. He's been getting headaches a lot more now than he ever did when we first met. Two, sometimes three times a week they come on, causing him pain.

He goes to sleep at night and sleeps so deeply that I'm afraid he won't wake up. I am afraid that maybe something is wrong and the last thing I want is to wake up and find him beside me, unresponsive and unmoving; the kids to see him that way.

It scares the shit out of me!

So today DH and I talked about him going to see a Neurologist to get checked out; to make sure things are okay. It has to be done and he admitted to me he's a bit afraid because he, too has noticed the headaches getting worse but didn't want to say anything or forgot to tell me about it which often happens when he's dealing with emotions going on inside of him.

I know with age comes medical problems we all have to face. I'm only 35 and DH is only 38 years old. We've been five years and I guess part of me is selfish and thinks I want more time, like the couple in the photo above. I want to be them.

I want to wake up beside him every morning, even if he doesn't remember who I am anymore. I want to hold his hand when we go for a walk and lay my head on his chest to hear his heart beating like I do at night while he sleeps.

He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him. It just wouldn't be right.

It's not my job to take care of him as he grows older. It's my job to care for him.
I told him no matter what happens, I'm not going anywhere. So I'm starting a scrapbook video (like our movie 50 first dates) which is sort of us in a nutshell, just in case his memory gets worse.

I want him to know who his children are if he begins to forget. I want him to see the laughter on his face while we danced and when he took his vows. I want him to remember his friends who care about him deeply and his family who loves him. I want to be prepared for the day he wakes up and asks who we are, if that day ever comes.

For better or worse
that is what they say when you fall in love with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. We've had our better days. Lately, right now, they are worse. But that's all a part of loving someone isn't it?


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