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Saturday, January 9, 2010

cheating online

Recently a good friend of mine discovered her b/f was cheating on her online. Okay, nothing new right? We've all been there (girls) haven't we? I know I have and many friends and even family members have experienced dealing with the discovery of their partner cheating or talking to someone other than them while surfing the web.

What gets me is the why...

Early in my marriage I caught my husband talking to a woman online. The conversation itself was (mostly) harmless.. He didn't lie and say he wasn't married. He didn't talk bad about me. He didn't say he had no kids or that he was looking for anything.

But it still bothered me and I acted less like a confident and strong, intelligent married woman while communicating and more like a raving lunatic so consumed with jealous and hurt that it was pretty bad. The whole time I wondered why?

Was it because I had gained some weight? Or that I wasn't the same person I was when he married me? Was he bored in the bedroom? Did he just need more and felt tied down with the married life, kids, bills and stress? And mostly I wondered -- how on earth can I stop this from happening again?

Internet dating and online relationship have become a main source for finding that guy or gal of your dreams. In fact I met my husband through an online dating site, similar to e-harmony.

But there is a very big difference to a free site and one that is paid. Any guy who will pay money to get your email address because he's interested so he can contact you (to me) is more worth checking out then one who stalks the free sites looking for love.

There are guidelines that should be set in your relationship between you and your spouse. A clear definition on what is or isn't cheating should be discussed between partners.

For instance (for us) cheating is defined by sharing intimate details about our relationship with the opposite sex (even if just to have a friend) because even if we cannot talk to each other we have our friends or family members we can lean on, and should not be talking to some stranger at a chat site about the details of our marriage.

Cheating doesn't always have to be physical. It can be emotional and often you hear women say "that's worse" then if he'd slept with the her!

All I know is that in relationships things change. Cheating is wrong and all it does is undermine all you've built and worked on. Even if you are going through hard times, lack of communication with one another and so forth. You can always find ways to get through it.

One thing I love that my husband does, despite his brain injury and not remembering is that if we cannot talk to one another -- we will find other forms of communications. We write notes to one another. Or we talk on our cell phones if it's too difficult to continue a disagreement we are having face to face.

The bottom line is that marriage and relationships should be something cherished. The truth is any of us, including those of us already married or in a relationship can go out tomorrow and find someone who we think might be better than the person we are with.

Better doesn't last though.

After the initial giggles and pitter patter of the heart two people are left to live with one each others idiosyncrasies and choices. Communication, understanding, patience and remembering why you love each other instead of why you don't are key to making things work.

My friends will often say to me... "How can you love someone who forgets you all the time?"

I tell them it's easy. DH may not always tell me because he forgets a lot in his hours during the day but he shows me. Actions speak louder than words. Getting me a drink. Asking how my day is going? Asking how I slept last night. Coming up and giving me a hug. Bringing me an Advil when I'm not feeling well and picking up on my emotional moods are all the many reasons why I love my husband through the good times and bad. And being clear on who we both can and cannot talk to online helps to make our marriage strong and hopefully it will continue to be strong as our years together roll by.

So talk to your partner.  And girls don't be shy or worry about what to say.  Say what you feel.  Both of you should be able to speak openly about your feelings whether  you agree with one another or not and come to a resolution as to what works for both of you and your relationship.



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