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Sunday, January 24, 2010

i wish i lived on ha ha creek road

I think it's official. I'm slowing going crazy!

Yep, I'm almost sure of it as I sit here typing--I realize the reasons why elude me which is so often the case when dealing with bipolar disorder.

Now usually I'm in a great mood.

Forcefully produced - maybe. 

But I aim to be happy each and every day so that my children can feel some type of norm instead of seeing mommy come apart at the seams all the time.

It takes work.

It takes commitment and sometimes I think it takes too much energy.

I was sitting here a few minutes ago, watching Extreme Home Makeover Edition with my guy Ty.  It's a show I absolutely love, next to 24 on Sundays which I think is now showing on Mondays, I'm not sure.

Anyhow they were telling the story of the Powell family and yes I will admit I usually cry when I see the pain and hardship of others.  I get emotional easily and wear my heart not just on my sleeve but all over my face and body when it comes to others.  And I can't watch extreme without crying.

But tonight...

A few minutes ago...

It was different.

I couldn't stop crying.

Full out ugly crying came out of me as though something inside of me broke and I hate feeling this way. I don't know where it came from or how it started.  One minute I am watching the show and the next my face is buried inside my shirt, soaking it with my tears which I could not stop from falling.

I don't get it!

I ate good today. Fish, salad, carrots and celery, toast for breakfast, juice (small amounts and some cereal. No fattening foods since I've been trying hard to lose weight so I can feel healthier as I'm getting older.

I watched Gamerboy my son win his second hockey game between the pipes 5-1 against Chilliwack earlier. A team I must say did not play nice or fair (but that's a post) for another time.  I had a good time.

I came home and hung out with the boys, laughing, having more fun. Then we ate dinner, when suddenly - my eyes became a flood of tears.


I don't know what has prompted this great sadness inside of me. This feeling of emptiness feels as though it's been sitting and festering for a while.  So maybe it just had to come out.  I know I'm tired. I feel as though I do everything around here and nobody helps, but that is usually how I feel and I'm fine with it. I carry on the next day to enjoy each passing moment.

I feel sometimes as though FD (Forgetful Dad and myself don't get to spend nearly enough time together with one another (WITHOUT ANY KIDS) to reconnect, but that is life and we take every stolen moment we can together.

I know it's been hard dealing with my ex, who found me on Facebook this week and asked if we could be friends and if he could be friends with our oldest (his son) biologically only, Gamer whom he hasn't spoken to since last August and that kinda jarred me a little.

But Today is different somehow.

Today was -- harder for some reason.

I'm going back to watch Makeover because I have taken my Celexa and hopefully it will work its magic to cut down the hollow pit swirling around inside of me, bringing me back to my happy self as tomorrow comes.

I guess I just needed to share how I was feeling with someone other than the men in my life. I'm surrounded by boys, which most of the time I love. My boys. My little men. God luv them.

But tonight I needed someone else to listen.

Thank God you were here!




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