So Jake turned ten in May and I decided it was time for us to have the big "talk". You know the one I mean, about sex. My g/f was over and her son is about the same age. I asked if she had the talk with Dav and she looked at me appalled.

"Are you kidding me, no! Why would I do that?"

Okay she's a single mommy and granted feels her children are somewhat naive (when deep down) I know they prolly know more than she does.

I explained to her it was better to be open with the boys about things such as this because sooner or later they WILL find out. Needless to say she wished me luck with Jay and left, fearful her the young man living in her house (her son) knew more than she originally thought and popped two Advil to ease her troubled mind.

I on the other hand waited until Trace (pickle-boy) was fast asleep before calling Jay down to talk. Our conversation went like this...

Me: "I need to talk to you about something."


Jay: "Is it about sex?"


Me: "Yes, how did you know?" Okay seriously creepy, but he did know I wanted to discuss this. Sometimes I think he's in my head too much and vice verse.


Jay: "What about it?"


Me: "Do you know what it is? Sex?"


Jay: "Yeahhh, it's when the man sticks his penis into a woman's hole and then he blows his stuff into her, sperm go up her and they have a baby and do this..."


Now it's at this point Jay begins humping the air around him like some wild cowboy gone crazy on a bull and making smooching sounds with his lips. Yes I laughed my ass off, it was hilarious man, you weren't here.


Back on track though.


Me: "Okay it's more than that and the proper word is vagina not hole." Though technically I knew this one could be argued. Thankfully it wasn't and DH sitting on the sofa across the room still remained silent, smart ass that he was.


Jay: "What do you mean? What more. Don't you do it then have babies?"


Me: "Not if you want to live to be eleven you don't!" Heart beat just a little quick here but I pressed on. He had to know the truth.


Jay: "So tell me."


Me: "Well there are different types of sex. Fast sex. Fun sex and Slow sex."


Jay: "Oh I get it. Fast for when you have to go somewhere like outside to play with your friends. Fun because it's supposed to be fun. Is it fun?" He laughs outrageously at me because I'm sitting in the chair straight faced rolling my eyes.


DH: "Shit yeah it's fun!"


Me: "Thanks Hun." I can always count on hubby for important rhetoric when needed. "Sex is suppose to be special between two people who love each other. It's not something you just do because everyone else is doing it. You should care about the person." I said.


Now okay think what you will; yes he's a boy. Boys grow up to be men (or guys) rather and horny at that who at times care about nothing more than dipping their weasel into the beaver pond. We've all met one or two like this. I just didn't want Jay to be like that.


I had hoped that both DH and I were setting a good example on how a loving marriage was suppose to be between the shouting about who forgot to take out the trash to who left their tampon wrapper sitting on the bathroom counter (ahem) let's not name names right now.


Jay: "Do you have sex? Is it fun?"


Me: "Yes it can be when you are with someone you trust. And yes I have sex."


Jay: Eyes growing wide. "With dad?" He looks from me to DH to me again as though someone made him eat a dead fish.


DH: "No she humps the mail man," he says sarcastically; using a word often heard by Jay and his friends by us when they are outside and think we can't hear them talking about girls, life and boy stuff.


Jay: Rolls his eyes. "Our mail man is a girl!"


Me: Great! I was trying to talk about sex and already father and son were touching on fantasies. So not going there, I thought. "Listen to me. I just want you to know that if you have any questions regarding sex, how your body might be changing or feeling. You can come to us (dad and I) and talk to us about it. That's all I wanted you know.


Jay remained quiet for a moment. We'd already done the whole masturbation play time talk in your room only and mom won't walk in. So he was well informed and knew he could ask me anything. Shit I'm a redneck mommy, I'll tell him straight up how it is. I was the one who went into the Pharmacy and bought KY for him because he said his penis was sore from beating the purple monster too much when he went through this exploring his body phase. There were no secrets in our house.


Jay: "I do have one question."


Me: "Okay what is it?"


Jay: "I just want to know when it's time for me to put my penis into a girl's hol... vagina. How will I know if it's the right time?"


Me: Pondering the question for a moment, I wasn't sure what to say. When she's ready. When you're ready. I was thinking to myself hopefully you're never ready and it never happens because my mind although a straightforward no bullshit or beat around the bush and somewhat even perverted at times, did not want to even think about my son, my baby remotely putting his anything anywhere.


I sat up and stared at Jay straight in the face. "If it feels good you will know it's the right time." That's all I could think of to say.


Jay: "So it's like the Nike commercial. "Just do it!" He laughed. "Oh by the way is there any other holes to put it in?"


DH: Looked at me grinning. "Honey, do you want to answer him or should I?"

Trashy Thursday Parenting Tip: Be straight with your kids about life but remember whatever you tell them could come back to bite you in the ass!

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