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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

a pain no mother should ever feel: the loss of a child

My good friend Shoelessmommy came over today. I was upstairs blogging on the computer in bed and she climbed in with me, something not out of the ordinary lol. I know sounds strange but often SM will come over and crawl into bed with me where we talk and laugh and cry about stuff.

It's a woman thing.

Today though I could tell instantly she was out of sorts. That's when she blurted out the words...

"Love's headstone was put down today."

Love is SM's baby boy who passed away due to complications 5 days after he was born. Grace his sister (his twin) also born with complications is now four years old and having complications of her own lately, namely her heart rate dropping and turning blue type episodes that are scaring the shit out of SM and of course it would.

Love was born healthy and contracted sepsis (from the hospital) he was born at. A big investigation ensued but to no avail Love could not be saved and he passed away before his little life even began.

"It's so beautiful. Would you go with me to see it?"

I of course nodded and immediately got ready to go with her. The lump in my throat growing bigger as we approached the cemetary where Love was laid to rest. She is my friend. This was her son.

As a mother I can't even begin to imagine the pain she must have felt back then, holding him in her arms while the doctors told her his condition worsened over night and he'd contracted a bacterial infection and there was no hope.

In fact I'm crying about it now as I blog to you. It's a pain no mother should ever feel: the loss of a child. A twin to boot.

The headstone is gorgeous and I'm not saying that just because I know SM will be reading this. It's truly beautiful. It looks like black onyx carved with white hearts. A baby is lying on a blanket reaching up with its tiny fingers trying to touch the baby above it floating with angel wings.

Grace on the bottom saying goodbye to her better half Love as he is called home. The inscription on the headstone reads: "There is no end that is not a begining..."

I took the photos above because the moment was too beautiful not to share as SM and I stood there surrounded by so many little ones laid to rest, my heart sank.

Before we went to visit Love, we stopped at the florist to pick out a bouquet of some kind. First SM picked a burgandy glass vase with some pretty flowers in it. I flipped over the price to show her and she blurted out...

"I don't care about the cost! Think of all the birthdays and Christmases he's missed!"

Well I have to say I couldn't stop laughing. She says the funniest things when she's upset. Not making fun or mocking but she has the ability to make you laugh when you are crying. It's something I love about her.

SM held my hand and I told her to say a prayer while we stood in front of the headstone. She had a hard time. It's been four years since her son passed but the pain never fades. Then she whispered...

"I heard a quote the other day that made me think of you honey. I once thought I would have the chance to sit you on my knee and tell you all about God. Now I hope you will have the chance to sit on God's knee and he can tell you all about me..."

She is brave. She is strong. She is a mother who buried her child and today went to weep over his loss and dance for joy at the finalization as his headstone was laid upon his resting spot.

I am grateful she shared that moment with me. She is my friend.

I love you SM, keep your chin up and know I'm always here for you.

~ JP


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