Random Tuesday Thoughts: Just love Keely and if you post randomly on Tuesday's then give her a visit her and post your link at the UN MOM where you can read this weeks post: If ACDC sang underwater they might sound better lol? Man that girl cracks me up.

I hate the past. No seriously, I really do. Because no matter how hard we try to dissolve our issues, talk ourselves into saying "Hey I'm over this and I'm okay and can move on..." there is a way, a crack in the door, a small hole which somehow allows it to creep back in and fuck us right up!

I'm sitting in a tent right now with my boys. Gamerboy who is (ten), Pickleboy (three) and DH whom I love
more than life itself, all snoozing soundly as the early morning chill sets in with them oblivious as mom sits here and bawls while typing.

It's hard to type while crying. You try it! LOL.

Why am I crying?

Well I keep having these awful, horrible, heart pumping nightmares concerning my ex and him doing bodily harm to us.

I know it's stupid really. I mean he has no idea we are up here. But I can't stop thinking about it... what went down last time we were here which was two weeks ago to visit Cole my stepson and all the crap that ensued.


You see Gamerboy is my son from my first relationship before I met (forgetful dad). We were together for like ten or twelve years, can't really remember at this point since the entire relationship is one gigantic blur of (I don't give a shit anymore) and would rather put the memories behind me kinda of thing.

Let's just say we didn't mesh well (being kind) and a lot of crap happened between us that involved me (bodily harm) to me (Gamerboy) in the middle, cops being called, arrests made and so much disrespect that you'd puke if you even knew how much and shake me for even allowing him access to Gamer as I've done in the past.

The last time we were up here was two years ago which is exactly how long it had been since Gamer's dad (the big bad ex) had seen my son. I say "my" son because well let's face it you have to actually involve yourself in a child's life on some level to be let into the parental club, to which he has not for the past ten years since GB was born.

Two years he'd gone without seeing my beautiful boy, and the moment I arrive he starts in on me on how all of sudden he has to drop everything and how I'm late coming up and blah blah blah (no really that is all you will hear when he talks) blah blah blah like that teacher on Charlie Brown (wha wha wha what wha wha...)

I tried to be calm. I tried to be reserved and hold back my German (Hitler) instincts to shake him until he turned purple and scream at him

"YOU haven't seen your son in two years hug him dammit! He's been missing you and all you can do is start a great big fight with me over nothing!"

I wasn't late. I wasn't even there to bring Gamer to see him (three hours away) from where we live. I was there visiting my stepson and vacaing with the kids and hubby and thought mmmmmm you haven't seen your kid in two years maybe it would be nice if you and your son visit.

Nothing ever changes with him though. Don't know why I expected anything different.

Anyhow we left Gamer with him for like two hours or so. He told us when to come and get him. So DH goes to pick up Gamer and they aren't there. No..... guess where they are? Guess?

He (big bad ex) decided to bring gamer to where I was staying (with friends) and start another verbal bashing infront of all the children there, our friends and be a dink!

Needless to say the entire ordeal was awful! And by the time I got back home I was emotionally crippled and overwhelmed with the crap that ensued while away.

To make matters worse... Gamer all of sudden started acting strange. He was moody and upset. Then I get a call from my mom telling me he came over to see her and my brother and my dad (they live in the same town housing complex we do.)

Mom proceeded to tell me Gamer began asking them all these questions concerning his dad, our relationship in the past, why everyone hates him and what happened...

THEY TOLD HIM EVERYTHING!

Gamer also spoke to other people to which mom directed him to, my friends, his aunt in Richmond whom he hasn't called yet and others who have had first hand experiences (and not good ones) run ins with his father.

I'm sitting in the tub when Gamer walks right in, and I can see the hurt and anger in his eyes.

"Is it true?" He asks me.

He proceeds to tell me everything he got told and all I can do at this point is simply nod. All the while I'm thinking...

Yes it's true honey... it's all true. Your father beat me. He hit me so hard he broke all the blood vessels in my eyes when he pounded in the back of my skull. Yes it's true he smoked drugs the day of your delivery and had to be sent home because he complained more about being tired himself while I was busy screaming in pain squeezing you out. Yes it's true he got into a fist fight with your papa (my dad) twice because of the way he spoke to me in front of the family calling me names you can't even spell, and he spilled hot coffee on you as a baby scalding you because he was aiming it at me when he threw it. Yes it's true he will tell you NONE of this true and I'm a crazy ass liar who needs therapy while he's smart and kind and never did any of these things. Yes it's true I spent twelve years being verbally bashed, physically abused and treated like a dirty dog that worth nothing better off dead! I was scared, alone and had no idea how to get out and you (my precious boy) are the only thing that saved me. It's all true and I'm so sorry baby...

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked frankly.

I didn't tell him because it wasn't his business. What happened between his father and I before and after he was born was (our business). That was how I thought. I didn't want him to hate his dad. I've never kept them apart because (I don't know) why because I was afraid Gamer would hate me, think I was trying to manipulate him as many parents do when they hate one ex spouse and try to bash that parent. So I just didn't say anything.

Problem is the abuse has continued for years every time I see him, despite being married now with another child. In fact it's gotten worse, except it's not physical anymore and he abuses Gamer verbally trying to make him hate him, saying nasty things and yells and screams and fuck I didn't know what to do.

Well the choice suddenly wasn't mine anymore. Read here and you will see why. Gamer has a blog and right before we decided to come back up here for another visit with Cole he got an email from his father concerning this last awful visit and this time Gamer responded (himeself).

Now this leads me to where I am right at this very moment, scared to death for some reason that (the big bad ex) is going to go nuts, come after me and kill me and Gamer and possibly harm us physically in some way and I cannot get it off my mind.

I can't sleep. I feel sick inside. I cry a lot lately. I just wish things could be different.

FD (forgetful dad) my hubby has been a good father to Gamer over the past six years. He loves him a lot and is there for him. He's taught him how to be respectful to me and others. How to be a good person and loving and caring. He tucks him in at night. Carries him to the doctors when he can't walk and is to sick to move. He sits with him during his growing pains and rubs his legs.

Yet Gamer suffers like I do. Trapped in a past that somehow seems to want to engulf us both and swallow us whole because of one person who seems to have so much power we just don't know how to gain that control back.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I know right now Gamer does not want to see his father. I know it's my job to protect him and support his decisions. I know the past shouldn't creep up and bite us in the ass. But I also know that in life there are no guarantees.

The big bad ex is clearly a very big example of that.

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