Okay so I've been here and talked a bit about my family.  My husband whom has a brain injury and our son PB pickleboy whom has Cerebral Palsy and is an aspie kid.  I've spoken about my worries for our oldest son, Gamerboy who is ten and has been through so much with his biological father.  And I've touched a little bit on myself with my depression.

Just a little.

Here is what you don't know and I'd like to share because lately I have been feeling so over the barrel you might as well push me over the cliff because I have no claws to help me climb up the mountain.  Not right now.

I have bipolar disorder.  It's not fun.  I was diagnosed in my early twenties and it's fairly under control.  I say fairly because I take medication for my illness (but) sometimes... yes sometimes I forget (ahem) purposely go off my medication and turn all postal on my family lmao.

But for the most part I have it under control.  For the most part...

For the past year on and off I've been having these... ah... episodes.  They come out of the blue.  First with the pins and needles in my legs, feet and arms and fingers and then up through my whole body.  I get the chills and feel cold.  I cry (for no reason) no abnormal for me but while medicated I don't usually cry as often as the medication prohibits this emotion.  My chest feels tight.  I feel like it's hard to breathe and well... basically the world is ending and swallowing me whole with it.

I am having anxiety and panic attacks.

Or at least that is what my doctor has told me.  And let me tell you it's scaring the shit beejezzus out of me!

Last night was by far the worst one yet.

I sat on the edge of the bed.  I felt like calling an ambulance.  I wanted to go to the hospital.  The only thing I could think about were my boys and husband, leaving them and the feeling grew worse.  I was afraid to close my eyes.  I was afraid to go to sleep - that I might not wake up.  I felt... or rather... feel -- like I'm going insane!

This is not how a strong willed, intelligent, mother of two beautiful boys at age 36 should feel.  Is it?

Nope, don't think so.

I know the fears I have.  I'm afraid to have a heart attack.  Both of my parents (who aren't even sixty yet) have had coronary trouble.  My mom had triple bypass like eight years ago.  I am overweight, have been most of my life.  The difference now is I feel it while being in my late thirties, unlike before.  I can feel the damage the extra weight has on my body with every step I take.  I also smoke cigarettes.

I know... I know... I'm just sooooooooo not making you like me.  Well, too bad.  I am not writing this to win any popularity contests.  I am writing this to make myself feel better and give myself that I understanding I need to move forward and make this problem go away.  Not bury it but deal with it head on.

I have lost 12lbs so far from working out.  I have cut out the caffine in my diet.  I used to drink Pepsi and other cola's a lot, now I only drink milk, water or juice in moderation.  Lots and lots of water.  I am also working on quitting smoking.

But in the meantime I am suffering with this disorder and don't know how to make it stop.  I wake up my husband to watch me sleep so I can get sleep.  I cuddle my kids for fears I won't see them in the morning and I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

All my doctor says is that this is normal with people who suffer from bipolar depression.  But I don't want to hear this is normal.  I want to know how to deal with it.  What can I do?  How can I cope with it?  It's always worse at bedtime.

I dread the dark!

Any thoughts anyone?