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Saturday, January 23, 2010

i am all seven of the menopausal dwarfs rolled into one



I swear to God! I am pre-menopausal.

As a woman advances closer and closer to menopause, she often experiences a transition period where her hormones go into a state of flux.

Flux?  Flux?  Okay I am going to tell you my hormones are NOT in any fecking flux.  They are down right, without malice, no holds barred jack hammering the shit out of me and my emotions, my body and my psychological (mostly healthy) mental state, messing with my balance to the point that the next time I go to sleep I'm going to shove an ice cube up my arse and wrap a heating pad around my boobies just so to confuse my body into thinking that maybe... maybe it's normal!

  • I'm Bitchy
  • I'm Crabby
  • I'm Hot
  • I'm Cold
  • I'm Emotional
  • I'm Exhausted beyond reprieve
  • I'm Bloated
  • I'm Hungry
  • Then not so Hungry
  • I want to be around people
  • And other times just want everyone to leave

I don't know what is going on.  I'm only 36 years old for Crying-out-loud (and yes I am) Crying-out-loud because I cannot stand this.  I'm not sure when it started.  How I got it and I've been looking for the receipt so I can either exchange it for something else or get my money back.

My mom started menopause at this age and is still going through it.  Joy!  It's always nice when you have something to look forward to.

So let's take a look at pre-menopause a second and venture into the realm no woman every wants to go, to discover the glorious changes of effect each of us has to look forward to (some earlier) than others.

Hormones

"While hot flashes aren't necessarily harmful, they can be an uncomfortable nuisance, prompting most women to seek out ways of alleviating this sudden rush of heat. And of all the methods available today, one of the most effective is an oral birth control like "the pill."

I put my fecking head in the ice box for fifteen minutes because I thought I was heating up from inside out.

And isn't the birth control pill used for preventing "BIRTH"  ?

They should have a pill and call it a "Death pill" because that is what you wish for at times when you feel so overwhelmed and trapped in a body that feels like a baked potato and strawberry sundae all at the same time.

Self-Care Methods

"Though hormones may be the most effective treatment for hot flashes, many women find relief by implementing a number of self-care methods. Most of which have nothing to do with pills or medications. Start off by dressing in light and breathable fabrics."

Or just run around naked screaming I can fly!  I can fly!  It helps as you flap your arms to create an air flow between yourself and the molten levels your body is producing.  Works for me!

Diet and relaxation

"Once you've taken care of both your apparel and your environment, start trying to identify other factors that may be playing a role in the hot flashes. For some women, it's the food they eat, like hot or spicy cuisine. For others, it's the beverages they drink, like alcohol or caffeine. It could even have something to do with your emotions, such as stress or worry, or any bad habits you may participate in, such as smoking. Avoid these triggers and the resulting sensation of heat by paying attention to the inciting factors that may prompt a hot flash."

Ummm okay.  So I guess me smoking an entire pack of cigarettes last night and drinking those two glasses of wine, eating those hickory sticks and having three English Toffee coffee's might have contributed to the cause of the hot flashes and emotional waste I felt this morning. 

My bad. 

But as a mom, especially one who is bipolar.  I would have to say this part is open for discussion and debate.

All I know is that this has to stop soon or I am going to lose my mind.  I was cleaning up yesterday and yelled at Pickleboy for leaving his underwear in the hamper for dirty clothes.  Took me a moment to realize the stupidity of it because of course that is where is dirty laundry goes.

*All excerpts were used from contributing author Dana George for EHow



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2 comments:

Frugal Vicki on January 23, 2010 at 10:44 AM said...

oh my gosh, I almost peed my pants laughing at this post.

~ JP ~ on January 23, 2010 at 11:42 AM said...

hahaha well that is good, a little pee never hurt anyone. Keeps you cool, I should try that, maybe pee on myself to keep the hot flashes away!

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