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Saturday, February 20, 2010

crazy days, bitching and stress

Last night was bad for me. I had terrible anxiety, worried about my heart. It should have been a good day because I weighed myself and I discovered I have lost another 8lbs since seeing the doctor last week!

My weight-loss is not something I have discussed here often. I'm embarrassed at the fact I now weigh 216lbs. Shit, well now there it is. Out in the open. I weight over 200lbs.

Since starting my exercising in January; I weighed 245lbs. So I've lost 29lbs total. I should feel good. But I don't. This condition with my heart has me wigging out and I've become a total BITCH basket case since my doctor is weaning me off my medication for bipolar depression.

It's been fun!

I'm trying not to stress or worry.  I'm trying to be happy.  One day at a time is how I've been living, especially when my husband has a brain injury and forgets things day to day.  However, with all that's happened, lately I cannot help but think of the future.

I think of the boys and I feel desperate to be here for them.  I want to see them grow up.  I want to see them graduate and get married.  Their first girl friend.  Their first job.  All that kinda of stuff; I think about lately and it's stressful whether I want it to be or not.

I told my g/f Shoeless I am going to church with her on Sunday.  I want to talk to a pastor.  I need to talk to someone.  I need to know it's going to be okay.  I need some peace of mind while I wait for the tests next week.  I need to stop feeling afraid, but I don't know how.

At least I can come here.  I can talk, even if nobody is listening.  I can vent.  I can cry.  I can share what I am going through without judgement and feel a little bit better for doing so.

One day at a time...

It's not easy but I am going to continue to try.



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