So I'm scanning through Facebook today because I'm sick and really don't have the energy to do much at all except check on my withering crops, snatch up some emails from some fellow bloggers and post a contest or two. When I come across a status post from FD's (Forget Dad's) ex that says she just discovered she's having twins. How exciting, right?
A few minutes later I sit down to pee and all of sudden I find myself in a flood. No the toilet didn't break beneath me. I mean I literally started bawling because of course that is apparently where men do all their thinking on the toilet - well apparently women do too because that is exactly what I was doing and the more thinking I did the more upset I became and the more tears flowed out of me.
I wasn't upset hubby's ex was pregnant, news I already new and knowing her and her husband and the boys I am so totally stoked for them all. It just hit me how much I am yearning for another bundle of joy now that PB just turned four and Gamer is going to be eleven in four days and me with an empty womb and no chance in hell of any little being taking up residence there.
Well let's just say the pain ran a little deeper than either chocolate or ice cream could fix.
I don't know what it is. Maybe it's getting older. Maybe it's watching your kids get older that suddenly puts a ticking bomb on your materal instincts that makes you want to round up ten of the cutest babes and bring them all home to call your own. But being a mother is something I truly love. And do you think FD understood any of what I was feeling? Well here is how our conversation went when he found me in the bathroom on the toilet crying like a baby.
"I feel cheated. I want another baby."
"I want a motorcycle and I feel cheated." FD had a motorcycle accident that caused his brain injury which causes him to forget pretty much everything, though secretly I think it works to his favor.
"It's not the same." I said, raising my voice a bit because I do that when I am emotional. I squeak like a mouse a little. "Your motorcycle almost killed you!"
"Having another child will most definitely kill you."
Oh not playing fair. He had to mention that fact. How the doctor told us that having Trace put too much strain on my body and losing our child before him made it hard on me. I would be putting myself at risk by getting pregnant again.
"But kids are wonderful."
"That depends on how you look at things."
"They are wonderful what the heck are you saying that you don't love our boys."
"No I love them. I love them when they are sleeping. I love them when they are outside and leaving us alone. I love them when they listen or clean up like we ask. I love that they are self sufficient and don't require as much attention," he said.
"What about Xander? You love him." Talking about friends baby. Totally cute and lovably.
FD laughs. "Yeah I love him because he doesn't live here and I get to love him and leave him with someone else."
"Think of what we will miss not having another child." I said.
"Think of what we will miss having another child."
"Think of the cuddles at night time."
"Think of sleepless nights," he countered.
"Think of first steps, first smiles, first giggles."
"Think of us at graduation in wheelchairs!"
Okay I had to laugh. He had a point there. By the time PB (our youngest who is four) graduates I will be 50 which is a good fourteen years older than my mom was when I graduated. If PB waits until he's 30 to have his first child I will be 63 and a grandmother and will not be able to say "Why not she's not mine, I'm her grandmother." because I will in fact be a grandmother and look it!
Having another child does pose more difficulties. I could live through the sleepless nights, the extra cost, the pregnancy, the trials and tribulations. Having a husband with a brain injury. One child with specials needs and one without. I think FD's biggest fear is that if had another child that child would have special needs as well and that it would be too much for us to handle.
I don't know. I can't explain to FD though the wonderful feeling of having another child. The joys it could bring. Maybe he's right though. Maybe we should be happy with the kids we have and I should get over it. Too bad you couldn't get a baby from a stork. Calling Mr. Stork ummmmmmm yeah 1 baby please!